Ridiculing the nonsense of the San Angelo Standard Times Editorial Board since 2007

Monday, April 30, 2007

Analyzing Iraq with one coherent thought or less!

Here we go again. It appears that the San Angelo Standard-Times Editorial Board (SASTEB) glanced at a quality paper and realized that they needed something about foreign affairs. Here’s how the meeting went:

Ty Meighan
: We need something “foreign.” Whatever that means.
(Lots of head-scratching, with a few awkward side-glances)
Bruce McLaren: Hmm.... Hey, I just heard about this place called Massachusetts. They just thought of giving people health care. Pretty foreign, huh? We can write about that!
Ty (Slowly shaking head): No.... we can’t even pretend that we know anything about health care. Ah, we’ll do what we always do. We’ll reprint White House press releases about this place called Iraq.
SAST Editorial Board: Awesome! Let’s go back to writing about how the internet is evil!
Flourish. Exeunt. Curtain.

Let’s play a little game with this article. We’ll count claims, and then we’ll count warrants. Recall from elementary debate and middle school English that when you make an overarching statement, or “claim,” it’s cool to back it up with facts. Usually at least two facts, or “warrants,” will suffice. So, we’re looking for a two-to-one warrant-to-claim ratio. Let’s get ready to rumble!!!

And here you have it, ladies and gentlemen. The entirety of the sequel to “Give Bush a Second Chance in Iraq” - “Iraq situation grim but not yet lost” (Apr. 24, 2007). The editorial will appear in bold while the snarky comments will appear in regular font.

If you think of the Iraq war in terms of winning or losing, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid may well be right, if premature, in his judgment last week that the war is lost.

Okay, so it appears that the San Angelo Standard-Times Editorial Board (SASTEB) will be backing up Reid’s call. Or, maybe they’re not thinking about “winning or losing” - they’re just interested in good sportsmanship. Apparently, war is like Tee-Ball. (Claims: 1 Warrants: 0)

Still, Reid’s comments do a disservice to our troops who are in Iraq fighting and dying for the cause. Sometimes our elected officials do more harm than good by making comments without thinking of the consequences.

Ohh.... bold call. Straight out of a White House Press release. Exactly how does Reid do a disservice? How does he do more harm than good? I anxiously await the reasoning for this. (Claims: 3 Warrants: 0)

Reid said, “I believe myself ... that this is lost and that the surge is not accomplishing anything as indicated by the extreme violence in Iraq.” He also said he believed that the secretaries of state and defense shared that view.


Awesome. A random quote that appears to have no purpose. Here's another random fact: roughly 60% of the population share Reid’s views! That last sentence was either a textbook case of space-filling or the entire paragraph was taken out of the wrong White House press release. Still awaiting the reason why Reid’s comments hurt the troops.

A planned conference May 3-4 in Egypt of Iraq’s neighbors, including Iran and Syria, could offer some hope in the war. Surely, no one in the region is served with an Iraq that collapsed into chaos. Although the Bush administration has refused to talk with Iran and Syria, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice will have the chance to talk to both privately at the conference.

OK!!!! We have hope because we can talk to Iran and Syria! But we won’t actually talk to them. It will be a private meeting with no force of law. Or trust, really. Yes, that’s right, the SASTEB undercut their own argument. This gives them half of a warrant, and I’m being generous. Plus, their argument that nobody is served by a chaotic Iraq is false. If they’ve ever read any quality journal, they would have learned (March-April Foreign Affairs) that Iran is backing almost all the factions in Iraq, so that any militia or coalition that takes power will be friendly to the only Shiite nation in the Middle East. Call it hedging their bets. Iran would LOVE to see chaos, because out of the chaos would rise an Iranian puppet state. Plus, I’m still anxiously awaiting the reason why Reid’s comments hurt the troops. (Claims: 4, Warrants: 0.5)

Iraq is a peculiar war. Militarily, the United States could “win” it in relatively short order by picking one side and crushing the other, but the cost and moral implications are unacceptable.

Another awkward paragraph that doesn’t belong. The SASTEB gives an option which they say would be a win, and then immediately argues that such a win would not actually be winning. To sum up: Iraq’s weird, we can win, but winning would be awful, so we don’t want to win. Still nothing on how Reid’s comments hurt the troops. I’m getting impatient.
Also, “Iraq is a peculiar war” is philosophy for the halfwit. (Claims: 6, Warrants: 0.5)

The Bush administration entered the war with several clear objectives. The United States, the United Nations and the Western European nations believed that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction and little remorse about using them.

If by “the Western European nations” you mean “England and Spain,” then yes. Oh, and the Downing Street Memo pointed out that neither Bush nor Blair believed a word of the WMD nonsense they were spouting. And the UN weapons inspectors couldn’t find anything. So, really, you mean that Spain bought it. Cool.

We certainly satisfied ourselves that there were no WMDs.

Victory is ours!!! Did you know that the only way to find out if WMD’s exist in a country is to invade it? We came, we saw, we conquered, we said, “our bad!”

We did succeed in driving Saddam from office and holding a free election.

Indeed, and at the low, low, price of a few trillion dollars, 3,000 American Soldiers, nearly 800 private contractors, and 600,000 Iraqis.

Also, this has nothing to do with Iraq being “lost.” This is merely recapping the news from 2004. I refuse to grant any warrants. However, I will be kind, gracious, and noble - I will not charge SASTEB with any claims. The score remains: Claims: 6, Warrants: 0.5

And what of the president’s other goal: A democratic Iraqi government that can “govern, sustain and defend itself and be an ally in the war on terror”? Hardly so far.

So... you’re saying that... Iraq is in good shape? Or now it is terrible? You appear to be changing your argument mid-article. If you disagree with something you wrote above, you can change it. That’s within the rules. Also, I’d like to hear how Reid’s comments hurt the troops.

Also, that’s another claim without a warrant - Claims: 7, Warrants, 0.5

Even so, all is not lost, and as a leader of our country and with troops in the field, Reid should not state so publicly. Still, few would argue with the assessment that the situation in Iraq looks grim.


What??? Let me make it simple. When you write about why the Senate Majority Leader shouldn’t say something, it’s usually a good idea to cite any and all deleterious effects that would result. The ONLY thing the SASTEB cited was that it would “do a disservice to the troops.” Oh, we can’t tell the toughest people in America that the war they’re fighting in is unwinable? Yeah, they’ll suddenly all become mopey, depressed, and teary-eyed because some old guy from Nevada said something bad about their mission. News flash: we must treat the troops like children.

Do you remember in 2003, when tanks were rolling into Baghdad, and the Iraqi Information Minister gave press conferences screaming, “there are no troops in Baghdad! Never!”??? This whole argument seems a bit like that. Even if we’re loosing, which the SASTEB seems to claim we are, we can’t say it - we must say we’re winning. Praise Allah! The emperor is finely clothed and the infidels are rotting in hell!

Impressive finish for claims, sneaking in two in the last paragraph without any warrants getting in the way. The final tally: Claims: 9, Warrants: 0.5. For those of you keeping track at home, there should be at least 18 warrants for 9 claims. So, the SASTEB is only off by a factor of 36.

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